


Midnight Musings

by GemAuthor



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Emmerdale - Freeform, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 07:56:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18090431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GemAuthor/pseuds/GemAuthor
Summary: She wasn’t tempted.She loves Vanessa.





	Midnight Musings

**Author's Note:**

> Just threw this together.  
> It was a conversation I kind of wish they'd had.  
> It probably makes no sense.  
> I apologise in advance.  
> Enjoy.

 

Charity sighs as she slowly makes her way into the living room. It is nearly twelve and she has only just finished cleaning up the pub. She promised Chas she would start helping out a bit more now that Vanessa was more on the mend. In the days after the stabbing Chas was great. She let Charity spend as much time with Vanessa as need be. 

Of course, some of that time Charity used to try and plan her proposal. 

She is opening tomorrow morning too, so she is hoping for a decent night’s sleep. Anything more than four hours would be a dream right now. She hasn’t slept properly since Vanessa was hurt. She thought she would start sleeping better once Vanessa got home. Vanessa’s first night home Charity daren’t sleep just in case Vanessa needed her. And she was worried about hurting Vanessa in her sleep.  Even when they row, they always end up waking up wrapped around each other. Even in sleep they have to be touching each other as much as they can. Charity normally wakes up lying half on, half off Vanessa. So Charity was terrified of rolling over whilst asleep and hurting Vanessa. 

Then came the nightmares. Charity has woken up five times now to Vanessa having a nightmare. They are not about what happened to her but Johnny. She screams for him, even though he is safe. Charity wakes Vanessa, comforts her, and holds her until she is asleep. Then she stays awake, just in case another nightmare comes. She tries to stop them before they take hold. Her body is so attuned to Vanessa’s that even in her sleep she can tell when something is wrong. Vanessa tenses against her. Her breathing quickens. The grip she has on Charity tightens to the point where it is painful.

Last night was Vanessa’s first nightmare free night and Charity hopes it stays that way. 

She switches off the light in the living room and slowly makes her way up the stairs. She reaches the landing and stops outside Noah’s room. She presses her ear to the door to make sure his tv is off. She smiles when she hears him snoring. That is, unfortunately for him, a trait he gets from her. She then goes to Moses’s room. She opens his door and smiles when she sees him fast asleep on his back. His elephant is in his left hand and a toy car in his right. She watches him sleep for a few minutes before she makes her way to Johnny’s room. 

Johnny is lying on his side with Barry the bear tucked up underneath his chin. His body rises and falls softly in time with his breathing. She watches him for a bit longer than she watched Moses. She was terrified when she realised someone had taken Johnny. She may have told Vanessa in the hospital she got him back because she would do anything for her, but the truth of it was she got him back for her too. She loves him. She loves him like he is one of her own and nothing could have stopped her getting him back from that monster. 

She is about to shut is door when she hears him giggle. She stops and smiles. There is only one other person in the world she has known to laugh in their sleep. Vanessa. The first night they spent together Vanessa started giggling. Charity thought she was awake. She was about to ask what was so funny when she realised that Vanessa was laughing in her sleep. She found it adorable. She still does. Thinking about Vanessa has her softly closing Johnny’s door before making her way down to their bedroom.

Vanessa went up to bed two hours before. The pain meds, along with the fact that her body is still recovering, means that Vanessa is tiring a lot quicker than normal. The doctors assured them it is normal. Vanessa’s body is recovering from a huge trauma. The fact that she even makes it out of bed amazes Charity. She would be milking it for sure. 

She gently pushes open their bedroom door. She can just make out the shape of Vanessa’s body thanks to the sliver of light from the streetlamp coming through the tiny gap in the curtain. Happy that Vanessa is ok she quickly has a quick shower and goes through her bedtime routine before returning to the bedroom.  She walks back into their room and drops her towel on the floor. She smiles when she imagines Vanessa’s face in the morning. She will tut and glare at Charity whilst pointing to the towel. Charity secretly loves winding Vanessa up. She loves how fiery Vanessa is. 

Charity walks to her side of the bed and gently climbs in. Vanessa is lying on her right-hand side, to avoid her injury, facing Charity. Charity sighs as she relaxes into the comfort of their bed. Vanessa looks so peaceful, so beautiful. Charity can’t resist the urge to touch her. They have only been apart for two hours, but Charity has missed her. When did she become that person who can’t stand to be away from their other half for more than a few hours at a time?

She runs her finger down Vanessa’s nose, smiling as it twitches in response. She then looks down and smiles as the light coming through the curtain catches Vanessa’s engagement ring. She places her hand on top of Vanessa’s, linking their fingers together, as she closes her eyes. Her body is just about to succumb to the need for sleep when she feels Vanessa’s squeeze her hand. 

“Please tell me you haven’t dropped your towel on the floor again?”

Vanessa’s voice is deep and husky, which means she was about to fall asleep or Charity woke her up. Charity hopes it is the former and she hasn’t woken her up. 

“Of course not, babe.”

Vanessa sighs, but keeps her eyes closed. “I heard it drop. You dropped it right next to the laundry basket again, didn’t you?”

Charity smiles. “Course not, babe.”

“Charity.”

“Yeah, alright…..Want me to go pick it up?”

Vanessa’s grip on Charity’s hand tightens. “No. Stay there. It can wait until the morning.”

Charity shifts so she is closer to Vanessa. Chest to chest. She loves feeling the beat of Vanessa’s strong heart through her chest. She’s always loved it. Now though, since the attack, she is grateful for every beat that she feels. 

“Did I wake you?”

“No. I…..I couldn’t sleep. I am so tired, but I can’t switch off.”

Charity frowns and runs her finger across Vanessa’s forehead. Now her eyes have adjusted to the dark she can see Vanessa’s face a bit better. She is frowning. “You didn’t have a nightmare again, did you? You aren’t worrying about the vets again are you because I am sure—”

“No….I haven’t slept since I came up here, so no nightmare. And the vets I…….It’s about what happened today……With Cain.”

Charity lets out a frustrated sigh. They have spoken about this already. She told Vanessa everything that happened when she got back. Why would she still be thinking about it. Charity hasn’t thought about it at all since they had their chat. It’s done. It’s over with. He made a mistake. There is nothing more to it.

“Why are you thinking about him? I told you everything that happened.”

“I know. I just don’t—”

“Don’t want? Don’t believe what happened? Do you not believe my version of events?”

Vanessa drops Charity’s hand and groans as she sits up. She reaches to her left and turns on her bed side lamp. She blinks into the bright light before looking at Charity with a scowl on her face.

“Don’t start!”

Charity sits up, the scowl on her face matches Vanessa’s. “Don’t start what?”

“Being all snarky and defensive without actually hearing me out first. I hate it when you do that.”

Charity crosses her arms over her chest and lets out a huff. Vanessa knows her too well. Better than anyone else ever has before. She knows when Charity is trying to hide something. Trying to change the topic of a conversation. When Charity is hurting. When Charity is trying to make out like everything is ok when it isn’t. 

It is like Vanessa can see right into her heart and soul. In the early days of their relationship Vanessa would look at her like she was studying her. It would freak Charity out at times. Being unreadable, being able to lie her way through things and being able to hide how she really felt was Charity’s biggest defence mechanism. Then Vanessa came into her life and ripped that defence down. 

She knows Charity’s triggers. She knows what every expression means. She knows what fake laugh Charity will use when she is sad and the one she uses when she is lying. It should scare her. It would have done in the past with anyone else she was with. Having them not be able to read her and know her fully helped her keep the upper hand in those relationships. If any of her past partners would have been able to read her like Vanessa then she would have run a mile. 

But with Vanessa it is comforting. It feels safe. Having someone know you so well she realises has its benefits. Not that she will admit that out-loud. Especially not to Vanessa. She likes to think she has the upper hand in this relationship but they both know she doesn’t. Neither of them do. They are equals. And she loves it.

Except for times like now. When Vanessa clearly wants to carry on an uncomfortable conversation and Charity can’t talk her way out of it.

“Babe, we went through what happened.”

“You told me he tried to kiss you and that he is hitting the bottle and the walls. Yeah. You told me that. But why. Why did he try and kiss you?”

“Well, the only other person who has tried to help him is Faith. I can’t see him kissing her, can you?”

Vanessa’s scowl deepens. Charity can’t use her wit in these situations either. Vanessa really doesn’t appreciate that. 

“You know what I mean!”

“No, Ness, I don’t!”

“Why did he try and kiss you? What happened before that?”

Charity runs a hand through her hair. She should have known Vanessa would want every little detail. She wanted to avoid all this though. She doesn’t want Vanessa getting dragged into her family’s messy dramas. 

“He was drunk when I turned up. I stopped him leaving. He had a bag and he went for his keys and I grabbed them. The place was a mess. I made him a coffee which he drank whilst I tidied up. He told me he lost it with Moira. He shoved her up against the fridge and then hit the wall, instead of Matty. He was angry about the fact that he’d done that and upset because he thought it meant he really is just like Shadrach. You know he raised Cain, right?”

Vanessa nods. “Faith told me he was a drinker with a violent temper.”

Charity nods slowly. “I saw him hit Faith a few times. When she left he started on Cain. He was harmless as an old man, but he wasn’t pleasant in his younger years.”

“Is Cain like him? I know Zak is his dad, but he was raised by Shadrach.”

Charity goes to answer and then stops as she thinks that question through. “He can be. Cain has hit me before. Many, many years ago. He also tried to smother me once and drown me.”

Vanessa’s jaw tenses. “Yet you still help him out.”

“He is family, babe,” Charity says simply.

Being a Dingle is messy, dangerous, and quite frankly a nightmare. But they look out for one another and although they shouldn’t, they forgive each other for mistakes. Because when all is said and done family is the most important thing. 

“Oh, that makes it alright then,” Vanessa replies sarcastically.

Charity smiles. Vanessa has a lot to learn before she becomes a Dingle. 

“Anyway, back to today. I was telling him that he isn’t like Shadrach because deep down he isn’t. I put my hand on his arm to offer him a bit of comfort. I learnt that from you.”

Vanessa’s mouth twitches into what Charity suspects may have wanted to be a smile. 

“I was looking at him and I thought I had gotten through to him. He looked down at my hand and then back up at me. I smiled at him. I’d just told him to fight for Moira and I thought he was going to agree with me. He kissed me. I didn’t move away at first because I was shocked. I pulled away after a few seconds and—”

“Wait! So his lips actually touched yours?”

Charity nods slowly. “Yes. But for like two seconds, babe, I swear.”

Vanessa grips the quilt in her hands. “I thought he just tried to kiss you. I didn’t realise he actually kissed you.”

“Two seconds, babe, I swear! I didn’t reciprocate and when he tried again I pushed him away.”

Vanessa’s breathing has slowed right down. It does that when she is really tired or really angry. Charity is willing to bet that right now she is really angry. 

“So, he actually kissed you and then he tried again.”

“I—”

“Don’t give me that crap about it not being a kiss if it wasn’t reciprocated Charity.”

Charity, not wanting to anger Vanessa even more, nods before saying, “Yes, he kissed me.”

“Why? You still haven’t got to the why he kissed you and then tried to kiss you again.”

“Because he is scared and lonely. Scared he has messed everything up and lonely without Moira and the kids. I gave him some comfort and he mistook it for something else. Because he is desperate right now for anything. Any scrap of human contact, human emotion. Anything.”

“You really do know him pretty well,” Vanessa says bluntly. 

“Cain and I aren’t all that different sometimes, babe.”

Vanessa pulls a face. “I disagree. You two are worlds apart, Charity.”

Charity isn’t going to argue with Vanessa on that one. She and Cain do have some very similar personality traits they use when dealing with shitty situations. 

“Well, yeah, I’m good looking and funny, aren’t I?”

Vanessa rolls her eyes. She then leans her head back against the headboard and narrows her eyes, studying Charity again. Charity looks at her, making eye-contact, letting every emotion play across her features. She has nothing to hide from Vanessa. Especially when it comes to Cain and what happened today.

“You really weren’t tempted?”

Charity reaches for Vanessa’s right hand as she answers, “No. I love you, Vanessa. I want you, not him. The first thing I said to him is that I am engaged now. He mocked it, us, of course.”

Vanessa’s brow furrows. “What did he say?”

“That I will be bored of you within five minutes. I won’t, by the way.”

Vanessa smiles. “You have said that to me before, remember?”

Charity does remember. “I was wrong then and he is wrong now.”

Vanessa sighs and looks down at their joined hands. “I…..I think half the village has probably said it. I’m not the usual exciting person you go for. Like Cain. I can’t buy you the world like Jai. I—”

“Babe, you have given me everything I never knew I wanted.” Charity moves so she is lying on her side. She rests her head on Vanessa’s shoulder and brings their hands to her chest. She kisses Vanessa’s bare shoulder and the back of her hand. “Please don’t worry about Cain. He loves Moira more than he ever loved me and I love you more than I ever loved him.”

Vanessa’s eyes widen. “Really?”

“Yeah. I am not going to lie. I did love Cain. I will always care about him. He is Debbie’s father and he has looked after me a lot. He will always have my back and I will always have his. But that doesn’t mean we are going to fall back into bed together. I was engaged to Cain a long time ago. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he cheated on me. I still loved him but I tried to move on with Jai. Nearly got back with him but then I found out he got Amy pregnant and all the mess with that. I stayed with Jai. I loved Jai, but I wasn’t in love with him. Not really. I wanted Noah to be safe and he was with Jai. I eventually moved on from Cain, too, which was good. Then I split with Jai, everything happened with Declan and—”

“You fell back in love with Cain. I know all that.”

“But that’s the thing, babe, I didn’t fall back in love with Cain. Not really. You know I just said we are alike?”

“Yes.”

“Well, today Cain tried to kiss me because I was offering him the comfort he so desperately needed. Before I went to prison Cain was the only one who cared. He was the only one who showed me some comfort and I clung onto that. It got me through my time in there and I honestly believed I loved him again. But I was lonely and scared and—”

“Just like he did today you reached out to that comfort, desperate to not feel scared and alone,” Vanessa says slowly, as if she is finally getting it.

“Yes!”

Vanessa smiles slowly. “Ok…..I get it now. I’m sorry I just……Your history with him panics me sometimes.”

“Babe, lie down will you.”

Vanessa does and Charity follows suit. They lie on their sides, facing each other. Charity tucks a stray of Vanessa’s hair behind her ears before softly kissing her. “You are the one I want. No one else. No man has ever made me feel the way you do. No amount of money has ever made me feel the way you do. Cain and I have history, but that it what it is. History. You and the boys are my future.”

Vanessa’s eyes water. “I know. I know you love me and the boys. I’m just being silly. I think it’s the pain meds and the fatigue.”

Charity kisses Vanessa again. “We all have moments of insecurity, Vanessa. Look at me, I chased you to a bar because I thought you were going to cop off with someone else.”

Vanessa’s smile is wide as she thinks back to the night they became official. “Oh yeah, you’re supposed to be the jealous one in the relationship. Not me.”

Charity places her hand on Vanessa’s thigh. “I quite like it when you are jealous though. It’s hot.”

Vanessa smirks as she throws her leg over Charity’s hip. “Really?”

“Really.”

Vanessa’s laugh is light and sweet. A weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Her worries have been damped down. Charity is glad they had this conversation. She is glad she has explained it all to Vanessa properly. She should have done so earlier. She shouldn’t just expect Vanessa to know how Cain works and why he does what he does. Hell half the family still don’t understand why Cain acts the way he does at times. 

“I love you, Charity.”

Charity’s heart skips a beat, like it always does when Vanessa says those magical three words. “I love you, too, babe.”

“Fancy showing me how much?”

Charity barks out a shocked laugh. The doctor did suggest they avoid any sexual activity for at least a month. As soon as he left the room Vanessa scoffed and said there was no way that was happening. They have behaved though. They had sex the night they got engaged but that’s it. Not being able to touch Vanessa,  not being able to make love to her and feel Vanessa against her has been killing Charity. The thought of hurting her accidently kills her more though. They can get a bit carried away at times, even when they are being gentle and soft. 

The night they got engaged the sex was beautiful. Soft, slow and gentle. Charity was conscious the whole time about Vanessa’s wound. She must have checked that her new fiancé had bust a stitch about twenty times. Vanessa accused her of ruining the mood, but Charity could tell she was loving how attentive Charity was being. 

“I thought you were tired?”

“I’m suddenly very awake.”

“And you’re not in too much pain?”

“Nope.”

“You sure?”

Vanessa rolls her eyes. “Shall I draw up a questionnaire for us to complete before we have sex?”

Charity frowns. “Babe, I am just making sure that you are ok.”

Vanessa laughs softly. “Charity, I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t ok to. You are not irresistible you know.”

Charity feigns shock. “That’s rich coming from you. Mrs-can’t-get-enough-of-me.”

Vanessa wiggles her eyebrows but doesn’t deny the accusation. Charity laughs and kisses Vanessa softly. Moaning when Vanessa swipes her tongue along her bottom lip. As she slides her tongue into Vanessa’s mouth, savouring the taste of her and swallowing her moan, she acknowledges that what she said to Vanessa emailer today and then tonight is true.

She wasn’t tempted. 

She loves Vanessa. 

Vanessa loves her. 

Vanessa is the only one she wants. Forever. 

 


End file.
